sarawise | Recent Entries

So, I don't post here a whole lot, but last night something happened that I really feel should be addressed out loud.

I have known

fire_and_a_rose longer than literally anyone I am still in touch with online. We met in probably early 2004, so I've known Kat for more than a decade at this point, and guess what? There was a period of time in there where we were on bad terms. It happens in every friendship and I'm not ashamed to admit that. I am somewhat disappointed in myself for, at that time, choosing friends who would ultimately turn their backs on me over Kat, but it's more than safe to say fences have since been mended and I consider Kat to be an incredibly dear friend. A wedding and funeral kind of friend. Someone I can always turn to and who in turn I know will always turn to me.

That being said, one thing I never did when we were on bad terms (even though they were unilateral bad terms, with all the negativity on my side) was resort to hiding and running away in order to cause her more pain. The internet makes it really easy to do things like that but I think it just shows such a lack of respect for the people involved to engage in that kind of behavior, especially when any part of the dispute is over proof. Why should anyone feel obligated to give evidence to someone who won't even show their real self?

I admit, I'm not privy to the entirety of the details of what's being disputed here in that I only know Kat's side, but I do know Kat well enough to know that when she recounts these things, she's giving far more benefit of the doubt than I would (I have grown incredibly short-tempered in my old age). That makes me inclined to believe her and disinclined to see the side of someone who would create an account solely for the purpose of posting an antagonizing comment and then deleting it. Why should she offer up anything to someone who would ask for it in such a dishonest manner? If you really want this evidence, ask for it with the mask off, and don't delete the request. Who benefited from that, other than you and your ego?

If your intention was to hurt her, congratulations on your success. If your intention was to make her feel further violated, congratulations on your success. If, however, your intention was to actually work toward any kind of finality or resolution to all of this, then you have failed and have instead simply opened up another avenue of conflict. I suspect the third was never really an intention in this, though. She could post every screencap and it would make no difference to someone who isn't even willing to sign their name to the request.

Crossposts: http://believeitup.livejournal.com/780300.html

I kind of fell off the wagon with these, which makes me sad, but I am trying to learn how to forgive myself for stuff like this, breaking self-imposed deadlines and just generally being too hard on myself. That's not what I'm grateful for tonight, though. This started out as a huge post talking about stuff from the last ten days but I'm tired and don't feel like combing back through all of that so suffice it to say, I am grateful for the little signs that point the way to what might be a few very good things in my life, and I am grateful to myself for waking up, even just a little, just enough to see them there and follow them, even just this once. I am grateful for even just these little moments when I make a change, get a little brave.

Wish me luck?

Oh, and I am grateful for Greg Parker and Flashpoint and T for introducing me to them. So much love.

Crossposts: http://believeitup.livejournal.com/778308.html

And so today will be the day I'll post the entry I intended to post yesterday, because it is perhaps even more true today. Near the end of last year, I started going back to the gym, but only because I was graced with an offer from a new gym partner. One of the women at work recently returned from basic training and AIT but as she's a weekend warrior, she's somewhat on her own when it comes to staying in basic training shape. She admired how much weight I'd lost and wanted to know if I would be interested kn working out with her.

... Duh.

Now, of course I am not doing everything Dawn is doing, but I'm surprised and more than a little proud of what I can do and of how much more I can do after just one month. I did thirty unassisted situps today, then another twenty-five at the end of the workout. I did forty-five yesterday. I couldn't manage five before. I can hold a front leaning rest for at least thirty seconds. I know these are pretty arbitrary things but to me they're pretty huge arbitrary things. I couldn't and now I can.

More importantly, I am getting to know my body better. I know my legs are not as strong as I thought. I know my core is not as weak as I thought. Perhaps the most rewarding is the discovery that I can endure far more than I would have thought, in cardiograph, in strength, and in general, if I just shut up and do it. Which is kind of a theme for me lately.

Anyway. I am grateful, tonight, for the deep ache in every muscle in my legs, I am grateful to the woman who is showing me how to bring this pain (don't worry, I tell her as much, often), and I am profoundly grateful for the body I have that allows me to do these things in the first place. Fear of an early death was what drove me to lose weight in the first place, but this is I think part of a second phase of this process, one where rather than simply postponing death, I am for the first time in my life going to use my body as one of the tools in my search for how I truly want to live.

Take a moment and really think about the word "fitness." What does it mean, honestly, to be fit, to have a life that fits your body and a body that fits your life? That's where I'm at right now: my body does not fit. I am not fit, and that has nothing to do with how many situps I can do and everything to do with bringing every part of my life together into one cohesive unit. The things I am learning about myself on those mats are pretty freaking deep, if I do say so. And I'm only just getting started.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Crossposts: http://believeitup.livejournal.com/778185.html

So, I started off today grateful for my body and all the awesome stuff it can do, but that didn't last. Not that there's anything in particular wrong with my body or anything, but some stuff happened at work that I'm not going to elaborate on here because, well, past issues with work and public LJ entries, but suffice it to say my judgement was ambushed and questioned hard and I'm feeling really shaky about it. It's not that I'm suddenly questioning my judgement to pick my body as the thing I'm grateful for; I wish it was that simple. I tried to do what I thought was best and maybe screwed something up in that process. I honestly don't know. Thursday will tell me.

So, for today, I am grateful for what I am working to see as an opportunity to practice, practice, practice. This is really not something I can control. It's about the perceptions of others and while I can bend over backwards to try to control what they perceive (and I am doing exactly that to some extent, which is why I am a work in progress), there is ultimately only so much I can do. Getting angry that they don't share my perception gains me exactly nothing and in fact costs me precious energy. Wasteful, really. In the end, I am the only thing in this situation I can control. I can collect as much information as possible and work with that as I get it, but in the end, I am the only thing I can control. What's done is done. I gotta let that go and just keep moving forward, making the best decisions I can as I do so. On a good day, I am a bunny. On a bad day, I am still a bunny. Choosing to cultivate bunniness rather than anger may be what it takes to save all bunnies from extinction.

Crossposts: http://believeitup.livejournal.com/777795.html

Today, I am grateful for this cup of tea I'm having. Stick with me here.

How often do you really think about your food? In the last... I dunno, couple of years perhaps, I've really come to pay a lot more attention to what I'm eating, and not just in a dietary way but in a way that means I am coming to know more what I like and what I don't. Food is finally starting to be an experience to me, not just a way to tamp down pain or chase away loneliness or fill up emptiness or, rarely, nourish my body. I actually enjoy food now, I seek out certain flavors and savor them and, like I did this weekend, sometimes laugh for joy over them.

This tea is one of those things. Jeff's sister gave me a tea sampler pack from a new tea store in their area as a Christmas gift, and one of those teas was Buttered Rum. Full leaf tea is one of my favorite things--it reminds me of a lot of my favorite people and is a great way to get a lot of different flavors all at once, with virtually no calories and often the sweet, sweet siren of caffeine to keep me going. I am deeply enjoying this one in particular, though. Rum... rum is St. John's and new friends and kissing a wooden fish and Allan Hawco, it's San Francisco and more new friends and shanties and the Wave Organ and pirates, and it's Key West, hockey in the southernmost city in America and card tricks and "Trinidad," it's Great Big Sea and that means a lot, and it's the one liquor I will preferentially drink when given a choice among liquors. As much as this entry started as thoughts on gratitude and tea, I think if I ever move on from wanting to learn as much as I can about coffee, it would be to learn as much as I can about rum.

Even the tea itself is beautiful. Warm yellow coconut flakes and bright blue cornflower petals... I love it, and I am so grateful for it, for the tea and its giver and the man who brought it down to me and the warmth it is providing me tonight.

Crossposts: http://believeitup.livejournal.com/777713.html

A two-fer kind of day. I am grateful, today, for the beautiful weather and for people who are willing to share what they have learned of themselves and, perhaps more importantly, the paths by which they have learned these things. One of my most beloved mentors, though she probably doesn't see herself that way, is starting a project this year to complete what is called the "experiential journal" that goes along with the Temple of the Twelve book series, and she is starting communities, both on Dreamwidth and LJ, with the ultimate location depending on who is interested in participating and where they will end up posting from. (As an aside, I am currently crossposting from Dreamwidth but actively reading LJ. I would say commenting but I have always been a terrible commenter. My DW account is sarawise.)

The communities can be found at

12colors12month and 12colors12months. Mind the S on that first one, since there isn't a terminal one, you see. Kat,

fire_and_a_rose, the founder, has said she will help anyone who is interested acquire one of the journals, which are currently only available through Amazon, and I will help however I can as well. This will be a brand new experience for me; I have not read these books and I was reluctant to take on a task like this when I have a stack of books as high as my knee to get through that I was generously given for my birthday and Christmas, but Kat has read these and trusts in them and was greatly moved and helped by them, and grew through them, and that is far and away enough encouragement for me. Please, if you're interested in a new way to possibly grow this coming year, look into the links in the post and let me or Kat know if you'd be interested in joining us.

Crossposts: http://believeitup.livejournal.com/777351.html

So, I'm not going to call it a resolution since it always seems that the primary outcome of resolutions is guilt rather than progress, but this is something I'm going to try to do more of in the coming year and that's openly and specifically express my gratitude. I am, generally speaking, a very lucky person, and I feel that only good things can come from acknowledging that. I have also, in this last year, spent a lot of time reflecting on how downright painful it can be to be taken for granted, and how good it feels to hear you are appreciated and loved, do if I can alleviate that pain a little for my loved ones, if I can give them that occasional bit of happiness, why would I ever not?

I'm going to start with what seems most obvious, I think. I am so grateful for the lovely way 2011 ended for me. Jeff, T and I had a fantastic day with a casual but glorious lunch at Melting Pot (I am grateful for fondue and for restaurants that serve porto and Lagavulin by the glass), then some wandering through the mall (I am grateful for the patience of my best friend and generosity of my husband), then saw the new Sherlock Holmes movie (I am grateful for the small child who announced, incredulous, "He's naked!" as Stephen Fry strode around in his birthday suit, and I am grateful for John Watson in all his forms). It was fun, relaxing, enriching... just a very good day, the kind which ought not be taken for granted. So, I am grateful.